A Life's Journey

Why that title? 'Cause Christmas is near. Erm....but some people don't celebrate Christmas. Hmm.... so how? Neways....I'm here in the "manger" during this season....don't know whether I will be able to "walk" out of the manger before Christmas(25 DEC that is).

How's life here? *Laughs out loud*

Erm....it's my second visit to the doctor in this 2 years and I kinda like it. (this girl must be crazy - you would be thinking) am i right?

hehehehe.......

It's been a week at the doctor's and I really....can say I am relaxed....

But I did not neglect my duties though, still "sleeping" most of the time. hua hua hua

ehem.......do I miss the house?

no, not really. am I going back there? it's hard to answer.

but I'm beginning to enjoy myself here. hohoho.....why not they give me the privilege to use the computer whilst I'm here bah........ *laughs out loud*


ok ok....need to sign off....bye

God Bless

Aileen

Walao.

Nevermind. I guess.

But it affects everything!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I have made the choice. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahararararara

aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling so tunsing right now. hahahahahah whatever that means.

woeijrpawoeijopeaifnmadpsonvg

aewoprijawpeotifjawopeifgnvasdijgnv
awoeirjaweoriajop
awoerjwqoerij
weoiurjhqweopriqjr


nonsense.

gibberish.

jargons.

kns. haih.

hampeh.

ok. better stop. =)

shut up.

shut the *toot* up.

get over it. laugh about it. sing about it? better not.

i need a new thing in my life....whatever that is....anything new.... new! and exciting! it's not that i'm not grateful for now... but i want to advance more in everything....in conduct for example.... haiya.....

adios.

Everything is written. Everything is recorded. Todo. Alamak. Heh. I don't sound that alarmed. Aah...life is a bliss...=) it's ups and downs, it's sweetness, bitterness, sourness, staleness, and blandness... hahahahhaaa... I think I need more than 3 weeks days of leave. damn.

hahahahah....well, I really need a deli...uhuh...but she's so busy. and to top it all i haven't even memorize those verses. tsk.

today slept in my abandoned room. it's good to be home. for a while. maybe a month? nah...too long...maybe 3 months. hahahahahah

yees gooklin and ginjudg. that's wat she said to me... if not mistaken 3 times already. yep, my syndrom kicks in again. this B that has held me b is coming back again. there's this dissatisfaction that cannot be quench. this hatred...wow....deep. hahahah

i admit that i am no good person. nobody's perfect...that quote does not give me enough assurance...yeah, i'm being judged every moment...and i really don't care what are the consequences of my choices....ok it's wrong to say that...no...what i meant was i have made the choice and have thought about the consequences of my choices. i chose what people want to think about me. and normally it's all the negative ones. aye, captain. take note of that. negativity is not of Him. i can't help myself from doing that. it somehow gives me relief...to feel the emotional pain, the psychological pain,...call me crazy, i know...it's a b. =)

and i can still afford to smile or laugh...in a bitter, sad way...and they saw right through it. i guess. it's hard to hide. wish i could hide it. but there's no basement for me to hang out just to cry myself to sleep or sing out loud with all my heart. damn this melancholic feeling. hahahah.....

k....am feeling like i wanna talk about love languages. there are 5 of them. Words of affirmation, Quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.

Words of affirmation
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, "The tongue has the power of life and death." Many couples have never learned the trremendous power of verbally affriming each other. Solomon further noted, "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up."

Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation such as: "You look sharp in that suit, you must be the best potato cook in the world, I love these potatoes. i really appreciate your washing the dishes tonight. i really appreciate your taking the garbage out, etc.

I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your spouse or friend todo something you want. the object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. it is a fact, however, that when we recieve affriming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse or friend desires.

giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. another dialect is encouraging words. the word encourage means "to inspire courage". all of us have areas in which we feel insecure. we lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. the latent potential within your spouse or friend in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words.

encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from other people's perspective. we must first learn what is important to others. only then we can give enocuragement. with verbal encouragement we are trying to communicate. "i know. i care. i am with u. how can i help?" we are trying to show that we believe in him and his abilities. we are giving credit and praise.

most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. what holds us back is often courage. of course, encouraging words may be difficult for u to speak. it may not be your primary love language. it may take great effort for you to learn this second language. that will be especially true if you have a pattern of critical and condeming words, but i can assure you that it will be worth the effort.

ok... was unable to update my blog via the mobile because the blogger would not log properly. So here I am at home updating.... hiak hiak.... been missing typing on the keyboard as well.

Sometimes it's good to be home just to get away from that place. It's not a bad place in fact it's a holy place. Imagine you have to place to go but stay there all the time. Very kesian. I'm thankful that I live here where I can go home when I feel so....but not always as now I have er.... a responsibility??... if I may call it that way.....

Being home is a relief from the uneasiness that I began to experience while being there. Tsk. Don't ask. I would only tell you 30 to 50 percent of the story. No point because you won't get it....

I'm confused. Really confused right now. I don't know what to believe. Praise the Lord. =)

I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm confused. I need a way out. I will have a way out.

Cheer up girl. It's not the end of the world. There's always a new day a new chance a new opportunity.

Jia yo.

Didn't sleep well alst night...was struggling...and being disobedient. tsk.

However worship this morning was awesome as it reached heaven. woohoo!!

After I was annointed, my mind was clear. Thank God. But with little disturbances.

Received a letter from SPA calling me for an interview on the 3rd of November. Not sure will be going or not. Maybe I should go to gain some experience.

How am I? Well, I don't really know how to describe it but only God knows. I'm still learning to not let my emotions rule me.

What else huh?

Since I came here I am slowly able to laugh... with others and at myself. =)

However, there are some underlying matters...mattters that cannot be mentioned or shared openly.... but I somehow did share....it's complicated....because I'm the only one with this case.

Special case, u. tsk. tsk. tsk.

Lord, have mercy.

Signing out,
Aileen Esther

p.s. I have a new name given by God - Esther. I like it very much. Feel free to call me by that name. hee hee.

Today i woke up with a feeling like i'm over the moon. Heh heh. Sungguh indah feeling itu. Lebih daripada dilamun cinta. I wish i can experience it more often.. But then again, it's God first. These few days i struggled a lot. I can't concentrate. Lord forgive me. Overall right now i am happy here. I can't describe the happiness- finally i feel belonged, first maybe because i'm in a small group and with loving and caring people. I begin to experience God's love through people i never thought of. Lord thank u for taking me to the right place.

Thank you Lord that they love me with your love and that i can finally accept love and kindness from Godly people.

Thank you for today Lord, i love you.

Something has been troubling me the night before...no, maybe the day before... I really thing I should talk to someone... maybe cece Deborah... just to let it go off my chest. I know God is sufficient...maybe I'm still trying to please people around me....no....I'm getting people to understand me better.... but is that necessary...I'm asking myself that question now... sigh....

I'm still learning to ignore what people say about me....you cannot control what people say about you .... whether it's true or not...but for my case, it's complicated... my case is special... where God's presence is always there... despite the things that I did... somehow it sounded(to those who don't really know the real story) bad... but for me it's all about the spiritual realm.

the real battle. i still do not understand why this thing happened to me. It's all so mind boggling. Everything that happened is in God's hands...sometimes God ask us to do the weirdest and unthinkable things...until now I do not understand. As I think of it, part of me thought back of the covenant that I've made with God. In it I wrote that God will never let me go. So I guess it is because of this covenant that the Devil tries so hard to bring me down, disgrace me, gives me trouble and all the bad things.

I believe God allowed it to happen to mold me and to use me. Each of us is a vessel for God. And I believe my vessel(life) is made of gold... until He keep calling me to serve Him.

God is so amazing. I thank God for His wisdom and His presence(the Holy Spirit) in me that I am able to see beyond human's understanding in everyday life. I believe that God is going to use me mightily...I still do not know how... He's still changing me day by day and I cannot thank Him enough for His extended grace and mercy upon my life.

God has brought me this far and I'm sure He will bring me to greater heights in His timing. =)

Some of you may think that I'm just a religious freak or a hypocrite...

I'm hurt when I heard that...yeap I'm being frank here... I want my life to be an open book without secrets... though some things must be kept secret...things between me and God.

So back to the thing that has been bothering me... I woke up this morning and prayed to God... praying for that person that had hurt me....Somehow to some degree...everywhere in the world Christians are disappointed by Christians...but we are not to focus on them but Christ.

Sorry for diverting again... again God is gracious. He comforted me with Psalm 37.

Psalm 37 (Amplified Bible)

[A Psalm] of David.

²For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.

³Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.

⁴Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.

⁵Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.

⁶And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday.

⁷Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.

⁸Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself--it tends only to evildoing.

⁹For evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait and hope and look for the Lord [in the end] shall inherit the earth.^A)">(A)

¹⁰For yet a little while, and the evildoers will be no more; though you look with care where they used to be, they will not be found.^B)">(B)

¹¹But the meek [in the end] shall inherit the earth and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.^C)">(C)

¹²The wicked plot against the [uncompromisingly] righteous (the upright in right standing with God); they gnash at them with their teeth.

¹³The Lord laughs at [the wicked], for He sees that their own day [of defeat] is coming.

¹⁴The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows to cast down the poor and needy, to slay those who walk uprightly (blameless in conduct and in conversation).

¹⁵The swords [of the wicked] shall enter their own hearts, and their bows shall be broken.

¹⁶Better is the little that the [uncompromisingly] righteous have than the abundance [of possessions] of many who are wrong and wicked.^D)">(D)

¹⁷For the arms of the wicked shall be broken, but the Lord upholds the [consistently] righteous.

¹⁸The Lord knows the days of the upright and blameless, and their heritage will abide forever.

¹⁹They shall not be put to shame in the time of evil; and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.

²⁰But the wicked shall perish, and the enemies of the Lord shall be as the fat of lambs [that is consumed in smoke] and as the glory of the pastures. They shall vanish; like smoke shall they consume away.

²¹The wicked borrow and pay not again [for they may be unable], but the [uncompromisingly] righteous deal kindly and give [for they are able].

²²For such as are blessed of God shall [in the end] inherit the earth, but they that are cursed of Him shall be cut off.^E)">(E)

²³The steps of a [good] man are directed and established by the Lord when He delights in his way [and He busies Himself with his every step].

²⁴Though he falls, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord grasps his hand in support and upholds him.

²⁵I have been young and now am old, yet have I not seen the [uncompromisingly] righteous forsaken or their seed begging bread.

²⁶All day long they are merciful and deal graciously; they lend, and their offspring are blessed.

²⁷Depart from evil and do good; and you will dwell forever [securely].

²⁸For the Lord delights in justice and forsakes not His saints; they are preserved forever, but the offspring of the wicked [in time] shall be cut off.

²⁹[Then] the [consistently] righteous shall inherit the land and dwell upon it forever.

³⁰The mouth of the [uncompromisingly] righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks with justice.

³¹The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide.

³²The wicked lie in wait for the [uncompromisingly] righteous and seek to put them to death.

³³The Lord will not leave them in their hands, or [suffer them to] condemn them when they are judged.

³⁴Wait for and expect the Lord and keep and heed His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; [in the end] when the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.

³⁵I have seen a wicked man in great power and spreading himself like a green tree in its native soil,

³⁶Yet he passed away, and behold, he was not; yes, I sought and inquired for him, but he could not be found.

³⁷Mark the blameless man and behold the upright, for there is a happy end for the man of peace.

³⁸As for transgressors, they shall be destroyed together; in the end the wicked shall be cut off.

³⁹But the salvation of the [consistently] righteous is of the Lord; He is their Refuge and secure Stronghold in the time of trouble.

⁴⁰And the Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they trust and take refuge in Him.